Don Flood

Leonard Nimoy, the man who in a future life would become Mr. Spock of Star Trek fame, once narrated a documentary called “Destiny in Space.”

Mr. Spock made some good points in favor of space travel, but oddly enough left off one hugely negative consideration: The near total lack of space plumbers.

ASTRONAUT: Can you come out and fix our toilet?

PLUMBER: Sure, where are you?

ASTRONAUT: In orbit around the Earth.

PLUMBER: That’s gonna cost you.

This nightmare scenario became all too real recently when the space station’s toilet broke, resulting in the most Unnecessary Headline of the Year from MSNBC.com, which said, “It’s no joke: Astronauts may have to make do until fix is found.”

You don’t have to tell me it’s not a joke. I get antsy if the sign says “Next rest area 23 miles.” I don’t want to think about a sign that says “Next rest area: Maybe never.”

So, until they greatly improve the space bathroom situation, most of us will seek travel adventure on Earth, where we can drive cars with nice cup holders.

It's true. The main reason women choose a car, according to some highly accurate research I'm not going to bother looking up, are the cup holders—which is pretty pathetic.

Men, on the other hand, are rational creatures who buy vehicles that will help them deal with real-life driving situations, such the increasing number of middle-aged nude male balloonists coming down smack dab in the middle of the road and needing a ride.

The nude-balloonists crisis lies behind the current advertisement for Honda Pilot, which features a rear-view camera. Here’s the set-up: A man is out driving with his son when he sees a hot-air balloon blocking his path. As so often happens, especially if you live in California, it is filled with middle-aged male nudists.

Because this roadway is located in Commercialville, California, he tells the guys to hop in anyway.

But the next scene shows what the man has gotten himself into, and it’s a lesson we can all learn from. Glancing over his shoulder to back up, he catches sight of his nude passengers and shudders violently.

But, fortunately—and this is why men should buy this vehicle—his SUV comes equipped with a rear-view camera. He doesn't have to look over his shoulder. Crisis averted.

It’s interesting to think how this ad might be changed if they were selling beer, in which case a man would be out driving with his buddies and the gondola would be filled with members of the Swedish Bikini Team. They would have plenty of beer, and would be on the hunt for fat guys to drink with.

And come to think of it, the lack of an orbiting Swedish Bikini Team is something else Mr. Spock forgot to mention.